soul music, social anxiety, and fears of adulthood

I hate my deep-seated emotions. I was completely lost and I did not know how to cope my own feelings and it became difficult to vent this to friends. Social media me: flaunts what she wears, unapologetic, and fearless. Me in real life: anxious every single day with everything and everyone. It all started in May-June 2017, it was a typical evening filled with tasks which I needed to accomplish and in one moment it immediately struck me that I had to get my life sorted. I seem to be comfortable in this state where everything is stagnant and boring. I was putting all this unnecessary pressure, and I was pushing myself beyond my limit that I forgot how to be myself at one point. Behind closed doors I had the time to ponder with my thoughts which I knew it wasn't a good idea. So I told my best friend what I was feeling as most people should whenever they are in a crisis or if they have a heavy burden with them. She made me realized that: "You don't have to be at everyone's pace, you are at your own pace" (that's the gist of it).  

I made a choice that I was willing to share myself to social media because that's what I wanted to do in the first place. I tend to be very cautious on how I perceive myself in social media in which it fears me the most. The thought of people thinking I am this "fake" person or worse, pretentious, is distressing. For instance, when I am not blogging I post content on YouTube which I remind myself that I need to post this video and I was hesitant to post it because I constantly worry on how this unpublished video wouldn't please people even though there wasn't consistency involved because I barely even post. Daenah and I had a deep conversation about authenticity and we were talking about how we want to perceive our social media personas as authentic as possible. Approximately 15 minutes of that conversation and her advice was simple and straight to the point: "post whatever you want" but of course out of passion and good intention. Then I asked myself this, "Why did I hinder myself from posting content with the need to please others?". I had to remove this mindset because it wasn't healthy for my sake. Despite all of that, the one thing that I should be focusing on is that to do everything with passion. Listening to soul music was not just the remedy for my emotionally unstable episode but it made me feel alive. It made me that I can do anything and anything is possible. R&B soul music holds a special place in my heart. It fulfills me and it makes all of my problems disappear as if I wasn't sad at one point then the next I'm back to this cheerful mood.

( If you want to give it a listen here it is )

These are my favorites since I don't want to list down all 38 songs:

1. Solange

- Cranes in the Sky

-Don't touch my hair

- F.U.B.U

-Mad

- Losing You

- Lovers in the Parking Lot

2. Kehlani

-Distraction

3. SZA

- Quicksand

-The Weekend

-Love Galore

4. Jorja Smith

-Where did I Go?

-On My Mind

5. Jess Connelly

-Turn Me Down

-Radar/2am

-deep+involved

6. Daniel Caesar

-Get You

-Best Part ft. HER

-Japanese Denim

7. HER

-Focus

7. TLC

-No Scrubs

8. Toni Romiti

-Imma Dog Too

9. Sabrina Claudio

-Unravel Me

-Confidently Lost

10. Nelly and Kelly Rowland

-Dilemma

I thought it was time for me to be 100% unfiltered and real by talking about my mental condition since I never had the chance to talk about it here on my blog since I was hesitant to my readers.  With two reasons : 1) My anxiety told me it was a perfect excuse to do so since this is a form of an outlet. 2) Also, my anxiety told me it would be a way of seeking help. Those two reasons were far out from my intentions but more on informing others that your feelings or emotions are valid despite what other people say.  When I thought that it would be bad idea to admit my condition to my parents flipped the switch. Just before it was 2018, it was a mundane afternoon and we somehow discussed about mental health over lunch. I was thinking if it would be an appropriate time for me to tell them given the opportunity. It took no longer than 5 seconds to tell them and when I finally did, they knew what was going on with me. They knew and were understanding about it which gave me the warmth and comfort that I needed.  I expected them to say that it was all in my head since I was always told that I was "O.A.", "maarte", and "dramatic". You see I initially told them ages ago that I was depressed, I thought I was but it did not feel that I was. Something far out from my assumption. I have anxiety, specifically social anxiety. I got to know my condition through my guidance counselor session at college and she even told me that I was not depressed but I was anxious.  Everyone feels anxious in every aspect in their lives. It is something that I cannot just avoid. I cannot stop overthinking and worrying. Yes, something we can relate but in my case it would reach to a greater extent. My past traumatic experiences were one of the causes of why and what I became today. It made me stronger and it gave me more of an opportunity to improve on myself. 

If I could give advice to people who deal with mental health issues: You are valid. Your feelings are valid. It really gets better. Talk to someone. There are people who love you. 

Thank you for your time on reading this entry. Here's to a new year filled with hope, light, and love.

Cam .xx

The first half was edited by yours, truly.
The photography and last half were edited by Daenah Magampo